I remember the time when I was heartbroken. The 6 years of my relationship with her couldn’t stand against the tide. I could see the pieces falling apart from a distance. Shortly in a couple of days, I had to leave for a trek which I had planned before all this happened. We went on to climb the highest peak of West Bengal. It was damn cold. The water in the bottle froze at night. And to make it worse, we went there in December.
All this time, I was in my own world. Even the cold winter failed to cause more pain than what I was already feeling inside.
If you have read Harsh Gupta’s blogs, he too was going through a similar phase of life that time. He knew he was not the only one on the trek with a broken heart. Even the air there was lighter than my thoughts. We were all carrying almost 6 kg of weight on our shoulders but it was my heart that outweighed and pulled me down every time. It took me a long time to get back to my senses and started making sense of the world around me.
When things became normal, I had a different take on the people around me. I saw them in a different light. Love teaches you to be kind and gentle, it teaches you to have a conscience. And when love disappears, it leaves these things behind. After that, I became close to my friends, close to my family, close to everyone whom I took granted for earlier. I cared for them, loved them, although I felt hollow from within.
My friends used to tease me with titles like King of flirting, Love Guru etc. because I was able to initiate a conversation with any girl and within minutes, I could start talking with them on a different level. But deep down inside, I was afraid. I was afraid of falling in love again. I was afraid of attachments. I was afraid I would fall short of expectations. Heck, I was that afraid I thought I don’t deserve to be loved.
It was when Eva came into my life.
Eva (not her original name) was my TA in my final year lab. I had not seen her much on campus but whenever I saw her, I got a familiar feeling. The feeling of attraction, the feeling of wanting to know more. There was something in her which made me curious and pulled me towards her. But my previous fears always took the better of me. However, after a brief period of time, I started conversing with her. This went on for a month. We started to go on walks at nights, chatting till morning. Every passing minute with her, I felt more alive. I thought, to have experienced these things before, it would make things second time easy, but it didn’t. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I was smiling again for no reason. I was happy again for no reason. For the first time in 2 years, I wasn’t afraid to fall in love again.
Cutting short, I proposed her after the prom night. She accepted and then we sat and laughed on what just happened. We discussed issues that might come up, but we were happy being together. It was a cute night. Fast forward today, we both are in two different cities. We are very much in love with each other. We are apprehensive of the things that might come but now we have hope. A hope for a future together.
I must say, being in love for the second time has it’s own highs and lows. It’s not the same story all over again. For starters, you become more mature in handling petty issues. Most importantly, you have your feet on the ground. You don’t devote yourself to the person, you just love and respect the person for what he/she is rather than what you want him/her to be. For the downside, on a lighter note, I can say that I was successful in predicting (till now) any conflict which can arise and that irritates the hell out of her. She couldn’t find a reason to fight with me and whines about it. I think I should stop my predictions for some time just to give her a chance.
Now when I reflect back, I see how much I have learned from my past. Like the act of forgiving your past is a necessity. That time heals everything. That love is not an option but pain is. That if pain demands to be felt, love demands to be taken care of. You don’t need love to prove any point. You need love because it sorts things out for you. Even if it doesn’t, it makes you aware of yourself and the people around you. Sometimes all you need is to look into someone’s eyes without saying a word and you realise that your problems aren’t that important as the silent bond between you two.
Written by a friend who wishes to remain anonymous.