I had read somewhere sometime: That one of the reasons that people are unhappy is because of social media. Because, everyone who makes a post is posting about being happy, about having fun, about being successful. Very rarely do people post when they failed. This generates a feeling of you being the only one who is having a bad time. I myself have been guilty of this. Read my past blogs and they are all about being happy and wonderful. Not today.
I wish to go against the wave. This post is about me feeling shit. I am in a bad place and here is why.
1. I think I am sick – I sleep more than 10 hours a day. Sometimes, close to 16-18 hours a day. For long, I have been loathing myself for not having enough will power to wake up. For being lazy and not disciplined and not having enough motivation. But now, I think I am sick. There are several probable reasons for oversleeping which involve B12 deficiency and even depression. Yes, it is an illness, one which seems very trivial but one which I find difficult to overcome. It has reached a point where I am scared of it. Hyper real dreams and Inception style dreams take their toll. I have not yet gone to the root of my specific problem, still working on it. Will probably write a detailed blog on it. The point is I am having a miserable time with it. My self-confidence is dwindling. I am not sure anymore whether I can control myself or not, as this is something which is affecting several things around me.
2. I am afraid of being judged – I really really like someone. But, I do not have the courage to accept it. One, because of my past failings, which make me skeptical of the concept. Two, because people have an image of me and I am afraid of them judging me. When the news breaks out, they will say this and that. And I am scared. The irony is that I know that I should not be scared and that people will always say things and that the ones who comment are not worth having in your life. Yet, yet, I am scared of being judged. Of spoiling my “image”. Even while writing this post, I had a long battle with myself. People will judge me as I post this. They will see me as a failure. Why do they need to know? Why can’t this be a secret till I start doing better?
3. Failing expectations – The startup where I work is in a crucial stage right now. It can go either way from here and a lot of the impetus is upon me. I form a very important factor in determining where it goes. And I am failing all expectations of me. I have been getting very little done. That too with not the best quality. Things that should have happened days ago, have not been done even by now. Which all makes me feel guilty and reduces my confidence further. Also, the pressure and stress does not help with the first two points. I cannot take a break. Things need to be done now. Always. No matter what condition I am in, I cannot stop. I cannot afford it.
4. I am torn in deciding whether to tell this to my loved ones or not. Why trouble them? I will find a solution to this like I have always done. But, how will I find a solution without talking to them? Is that possible? Tension of opposites. I want them to know everything and not know anything at the same time.
5. I am having questions that I do not have the answer to. What are my ambitions? What am I doing with my life? Is this what I am good at? Is this what I want to do? Several such things keep popping up every now and then. They baffle me and trouble me.
Every time I write, I feel something that stirs inside me and tells me that I am a fighter and I will not give up. This is not the first time I am facing trouble and I will come out of it. There are other times, when I want to hang up my boots and say: I have lost. The battle between the two sides keeps me confused all the time.
The purpose of this post however is this. I am in a shitty place and I am not ashamed of accepting it. If you have been here or are here, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are several others like us and there are ways out of here. We need to stay strong and find our own solutions.
One last thing. For all those who care about me. Please don’t contact me to offer sympathies. The last thing I would want is that. If I need help, I will come in touch. Otherwise, trust me to fight this out. I am not in that bad a place. Not yet. Also, this was written a few days ago. I am in much better shape now.